Communication Is Key: Speak Honestly and Listen with Care
Speak with enough honesty to be understood and enough care to keep listening. Let Christ shape the words, the tone, and the responsibility that follows.
#317 — Communication is Key
Apr 8, 2024
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Check what the conversation communicated
We can leave the same conversation with very different accounts of what happened. One person thinks a concern was explained; the other remembers contempt. We need to ask whether the meaning we intended was actually received, and whether we heard what the other person was trying to say. Communication includes what is said, how it is expressed, and whether the listener has actually understood.
Material I used before my own marriage and later with other couples keeps bringing useful questions to mind. Marriage doesn't remove our need to learn how to listen and speak. The same care matters in family relationships and friendships where familiarity can make us careless. Families, friendships, and relationships among Christians benefit when someone is willing to ask: did the message I intended reach the other person, and did I receive what they were trying to tell me?
Notice character as well as profession
Sharing faith in Christ matters deeply when choosing a spouse. But a profession of faith shouldn't keep us from noticing conduct. Look at honesty, self-control, and the person's response to correction, rather than assuming the religious description settles every question about character. Baptism and faithful association matter; they aren't a guarantee that every current decision expresses the Lord's instruction.
Compatibility doesn't require identical preferences. It does require room to discuss a difference and make responsible decisions without cruelty or intimidation. Before marriage, take persistent harmful conduct seriously; within marriage, name what needs to change and seek suitable help instead of expecting the label alone to fix it. Shared faith should give the relationship a governing authority, not provide a label that excuses harmful patterns.
Give listening real attention
James 1:19–20 calls us to be quick to hear and slow to speak and become angry. That asks for more than waiting until we can resume our argument. Try to understand the concern, especially when the first words make you uncomfortable. Ask a clarifying question before responding to an assumption.
Set aside a distraction when you can. If the matter needs attention you don't presently have, arrange a time and keep it. People express attention differently, so don't turn one posture or amount of eye contact into a test that replaces listening to the actual answer. People differ in how comfortably they make eye contact or express emotion. Ask what helps the other person feel heard. The central responsibility is thoughtful attention and an honest response, rather than performing a particular posture while mentally preparing your defense.
Let words and tone serve the purpose
Proverbs 15:1 commends a gentle answer rather than a harsh one that stirs anger. We can't control every reaction, but we can stop burying a useful concern beneath sarcasm or volume. Think about whether your manner helps the issue receive the attention it needs. Still, the way a concern is presented often affects whether it can be discussed productively. Volume, sarcasm, and sweeping accusations can bury a useful point beneath an unnecessary conflict.
Describe what happened before announcing a judgment about the person's whole character. A particular unfinished responsibility can be discussed more honestly than a charge that someone never cares. Let a calm tone serve clear truth, rather than quietly disguising pressure the listener is afraid to question. Sometimes an urgent warning requires a loud voice, but routine disagreement shouldn't become frightening. If anger is rising, agree to pause and return at a specific time. A pause serves the conversation when it restores self-control; it becomes harmful when used to punish or avoid the issue indefinitely.
Check the meaning before deciding
Proverbs 18:13 warns against answering before hearing. In 2 Samuel 10:1–5, a gesture of consolation is interpreted as spying, with serious consequences. The historical account isn't marriage advice, but it makes the danger of an unsupported interpretation painfully clear. The narrative concerns rulers and nations, not marriage counseling, but it illustrates how an unsupported interpretation can produce a serious response to a misunderstood action.
When a sentence seems hurtful, ask what the speaker meant. The answer may reveal carelessness, a real difference, or a wrong needing attention. Giving a hearing doesn't erase an established pattern of harm; it helps us distinguish that evidence from a motive we've merely assumed. It means distinguishing what you know from what you have inferred. Likewise, if your words were reasonably misunderstood, explain them without demanding that the listener should have understood perfectly. Both people can take responsibility for making the meaning clearer.
Make the apology understandable
Proverbs 28:13 joins confession with leaving the wrong. A useful apology identifies the conduct and the needed change. Correct the false claim or address the duty you neglected, rather than using a familiar phrase mainly to bring the uncomfortable discussion to an end. Name the conduct, acknowledge why it was wrong, and identify what you intend to change. If you failed an obligation, discuss how to address the practical consequence.
Don't make your apology another demand on the person you hurt. They may need time to consider it, and relevant circumstances don't remove your responsibility. Trust is rebuilt through consistent conduct after the words have been spoken, especially when the same concern has been raised before. Let the person receive the apology without requiring an immediate reassuring answer. The changed conduct that follows can begin rebuilding trust. Receiving correction humbly is especially important when the other person raises an issue you had not noticed.
Address patterns without retaliation
Ephesians 4:25–32 brings truthfulness, useful speech, and the handling of anger together. These duties should guide a disagreement before it becomes a contest. An unrelated past failure may silence someone briefly while leaving the real concern even harder to resolve.
Past events matter when they show a continuing pattern. Discuss that pattern honestly rather than using it to retaliate or insisting it no longer counts because an apology was given. Serious harm needs protection and suitable help; ordinary communication advice mustn't become blame directed at the person harmed. Discuss what continues to happen, what has already been tried, and what needs to change. Don't demand that a person ignore repeated harm simply because an earlier apology was given. Serious threats, coercion, or violence require protection and appropriate outside assistance. Communication skills are useful in ordinary conflict, but a harmed person's tone isn't the cause of another person's abusive behavior.
Practice one better conversation
Colossians 3:12–14 gives our communication a purpose shaped by compassion, humility, patience, and love. We aren't simply learning how to win agreement. We are learning how to speak truthfully and act responsibly toward someone whose good matters before God. The goal isn't merely to become persuasive enough to get your own way. It is to speak truthfully, understand the other person, and act responsibly under Christ's instruction even when agreement is difficult.
Choose a conversation that needs renewed care and a time you can actually give to it. Explain one concern, ask how the other person understands it, and restate what you heard. A realistic next step may serve better than trying to settle every difficulty in a single evening. Restate what you heard before moving to a response. Admit your own contribution where needed and agree on a realistic next step. You may not resolve everything at once, and some difficulties require qualified help. Even so, faithful attention can replace an avoidable pattern of accusation and withdrawal. Good communication grows through repeated practice in ordinary exchanges, especially when either person would rather defend a position than listen. Afterward, check whether the agreed step was carried out and whether the other person understood it in the same way. A promise that sounds clear during a conversation may still leave questions about timing or responsibility. Clarifying those details helps prevent another avoidable dispute. Notice improvements as well as failures. Specific gratitude for a thoughtful response can encourage the habits both people are trying to build without pretending that every remaining issue has been solved.
Take the idea with you.
- 01What do I need to understand before giving my answer?
- 02What specific change would make my words more dependable?
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