Count Your Pronouns to Become a Better Listener

The interruption in Luke 12

In Luke 12:13, a man asks Jesus to intervene in an inheritance dispute. Jesus responds by refusing the role of an arbitrator and warning against covetousness. He then teaches that life doesn't consist in the abundance of possessions.

Keep the man's request in the setting where Luke records it. We can't confidently identify every motive in his heart beyond what Jesus' answer exposes. But the scene is striking: a person has an opportunity to hear the Lord and is preoccupied with his dispute over property. Jesus redirects attention toward a much larger concern.

We can also become so absorbed in our concern that we miss what someone is saying. We may scarcely hear what is being offered because we are rehearsing the issue that matters most to us. Bring real burdens into conversation while still leaving room to hear. Jesus' warning about covetousness calls us to consider what has gained too much importance in our thinking.

Listening begins before the follow-up question

Good listening begins with caring enough to understand. Let go of the story you're waiting to tell for a little while and hear what the person is actually saying. You may find that the detail you would have passed over is the very thing they most needed someone to notice.

Suppose a friend says a family gathering was difficult. Instead of immediately offering a similar story, you might ask what made the experience hard. If someone mentions a new opportunity at work, ask what they are looking forward to most. If a child describes a school event, give enough attention to understand why it mattered.

A sincere question can show that you heard more than the topic. Ask about the detail that mattered to the speaker and give the answer room. You may discover that the advice you were preparing doesn't fit the concern at all. Listening a little longer can save you from answering a problem the person never described.

Respect a person's freedom to keep some details private. Sometimes the respectful response is to accept a brief answer and move on. Good listening doesn't involve extracting private details for the sake of showing a technique. It gives the speaker freedom to decide how much to share.

Ask one more question about the other person

Try waiting before you answer another person's story with your own. When someone finishes a story, don't automatically reply with your own version. Ask one natural follow-up that grows from what they said. What happened next? What was that like? Did it turn out the way you expected?

A follow-up question tells someone you noticed a detail that mattered. That attentiveness is especially valuable with people who are accustomed to being interrupted or overlooked. They may have learned to give short answers because longer ones rarely receive attention.

Ask about something you truly want to understand. If you don't truly want the answer, another question may become a performance. Consider what you are actually curious about and allow the person's response to shape what follows.

You still have a place in the conversation. Once you understand the other person's story, you may have a relevant observation to share. The difference is that your contribution grows out of an exchange rather than replacing it. The goal is conversation, not silence from one participant and a monologue from the other.

The difference between relating and competing

Sometimes a similar experience helps someone feel less alone. You may have learned something that would be useful to share. Before you do, consider whether your contribution will help the person continue or take the conversation away from them. We don't need to make our own experience larger, harder, or more impressive to be helpful.

Notice whether your story returns attention to the person or takes it away. Does your story invite the other person to continue, or does it take over the conversation? Are you offering something useful or trying to establish that you have experienced more? Does the person feel understood after your response?

A brief connection may be all that's needed before you listen again. A simple acknowledgment may be enough: I have faced something similar, and I know that can be difficult. Then return to the person's concern. If your experience truly contains helpful insight, there may be a good opportunity to share it after listening more fully. You don't have to contribute everything you know to be helpful. Sometimes our most useful contribution is providing the space in which someone else can think aloud.

Philippians 2 gives the deeper reason

Philippians 2:3–4 calls us to consider the interests of others. Paul then points to the humility of Christ, who didn't use His position for selfish advantage but humbled Himself in obedience.

Paul is teaching a humility that reaches far beyond conversational skill. It describes the character that should shape Christians in their relationships. But its principle applies naturally to conversation. We can treat other people's concerns as important without assuming our own concerns must always take center stage. Your needs matter too. Christian humility isn't the denial that we matter. It is the refusal to make our own importance the center of every encounter.

Ask what this person needs from you in this moment. Sometimes the answer will be counsel, sometimes truth expressed plainly, and sometimes undivided attention. The humility Paul commends can help us recognize the difference.

Practice this in families and congregations

At home, familiarity can take the place of curiosity. A parent asks whether homework is finished but not what a child is learning or worrying about. A spouse asks about the schedule but not how the other person is doing. The practical matters are necessary, but they don't exhaust the relationship.

We can rush through greetings with fellow Christians too. We greet familiar people, exchange routine answers, and move quickly to the next conversation. Someone may be carrying a burden but have little opportunity to speak beyond a brief greeting. Thoughtful attention can create room for more meaningful fellowship. Remember one thing someone told you and ask about it. Notice when someone seems hesitant or discouraged. Give an answer space rather than immediately turning the subject toward yourself.

A little time given sincerely can mean more than a long distracted exchange. You won't have the same opportunity in every conversation. When you can listen, give the person your attention; when you need to leave, be honest and kind. If you promise to follow up, remember to do it.

Change the focus of one conversation

Try noticing your pronouns and your questions for one day. Don't keep a rigid score or condemn yourself for sharing personal information. Simply notice when a conversation begins revolving around your own experiences.

Choose a conversation in which you'll listen through the answer. If you have something useful to share, offer it after you understand what was said. Notice whether the conversation becomes more thoughtful and less hurried.

The purpose is to make room for a person, not to improve your score. You can share your own experience and still listen humbly. Notice whether the exchange leaves the other person free to speak, or whether every subject becomes a way back to you. Let love, rather than a count of pronouns, guide the change.

Go into the next conversation ready to learn something about someone else. One additional question may be a small action, but it can express a large conviction: someone else's experience deserves room beside your own.