Fences or Bridges: Make a Faithful First Move toward Peace
Peace often begins with one humble move. Examine your own part, offer sincere care, and pursue reconciliation with truth and appropriate boundaries.
#342 — Fences or Bridges
Sep 30, 2024
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When distance becomes familiar
A relationship can grow distant after a careless word, a misunderstanding, or a serious wrong. We may expect the silence to be brief, then slowly get used to living apart. Then weeks become months, and the absence of conversation becomes the arrangement everyone expects. We stop asking whether peace is possible and begin organizing our lives around the separation. What once hurt now seems easier than the uncertainty of another conversation.
The fence-and-bridge picture asks whether we've become too comfortable protecting that distance. Some boundaries are necessary, but resentment can also build a fence we keep calling necessary. The picture doesn't mean every relationship should become close again immediately. Some separations protect people from serious harm. It does mean that pride, embarrassment, and an old misunderstanding deserve examination before we call permanent distance necessary.
Receive a friend's invitation
Glenn Hyde invited me to a gathering of Christian men, and I could have received the invitation defensively. Instead, I went with my son Nicholas. We received encouragement through prayer, companionship, and a devotional that we would have missed by staying home.
We can put up a fence against help before we realize that's what we're doing. A thoughtful invitation may sound like criticism when we're busy protecting our own reaction. Listening doesn't require agreeing with every assessment another person makes. It requires enough humility to ask whether a faithful person sees an opportunity that our initial reaction has concealed.
Consider the carpenter's bridge
Glenn told a story about two brothers whose properties were separated by a river. After a disagreement, the brothers stopped visiting and let years pass without speaking. One brother eventually hired a carpenter to build a fence so he would no longer have to see the other's home. When he returned, the carpenter had built a bridge instead.
The brother across the river saw the bridge as a welcome. He crossed it and embraced the brother who had intended to keep him away. The story is an illustration, not a reported biblical event or a promise that every conflict will end this way. Its strength lies in exposing a possibility resentment tends to hide: the other person may also regret the separation and may be waiting for a first move.
Let Christ teach you peace
Ephesians 2:13–18 describes peace far greater than a pleasant reunion. Christ's blood brings divided people near and gives those who belong to him access to the Father. The passage concerns the reconciling work of Jesus and the new relationship He creates in His people. A carpenter in a story can't accomplish that saving work.
People who have received Christ's mercy have reason to question the bitterness they're preserving. Ephesians 4:31–32 calls us to leave malice behind and practice kindness and forgiveness. Peace must remain connected to truth, repentance, and allegiance to Christ; it can't be purchased by pretending that sin doesn't matter.
Begin on your side of the river
We may have a clear account of the other person's failures and a very short account of our own. Their wrong doesn't excuse us from examining what we said and did. Matthew 7:1–5 directs attention to the log in our own eye before we attempt to address another person's fault. Jesus doesn't forbid careful moral discernment; He exposes hypocritical correction.
Name your own responsibility without defending it in the next breath. If your words harmed someone's reputation or your withdrawal left a promise unkept, say plainly what you did. An apology should name that conduct clearly. Matthew 5:23–24 gives urgency to seeking reconciliation when a brother has something against us. The instruction moves responsibility out of the realm of vague good intentions and into an actual effort to make things right. Before reaching out, consider what repair would actually require. If you damaged someone's reputation, a private apology may need to be accompanied by correcting the public impression you created. If you failed to keep an agreement, explain what you can now do responsibly. Restoring peace involves more than asking another person to stop feeling hurt. Write an apology as you would want to hear it. Name the conduct, acknowledge the effect you know it had, and say what you intend to change. Leave out the sentence that immediately shifts blame back across the river. There may be other wrongs to discuss later; taking responsibility for yours gives this first step its honesty.
Offer care without pressure
A sincere message of concern can be appropriate when someone in a strained relationship faces grief or illness. Keep the person's need at the center instead of using the hardship to gain an advantage. Its purpose is to comfort, not to exploit a vulnerable moment as leverage for reconciliation. A short message of concern can be enough; the person's sorrow should remain the focus.
An invitation can offer an opportunity without demanding a response. Ask whether a conversation or visit would be welcome, and allow the person to answer honestly. Offer a clear opportunity and allow an honest refusal. Repeated invitations can become pressure if someone has already asked for space. The measure of a loving gesture isn't whether it secures the response you wanted, but whether it treats the other person with dignity and tells the truth about your willingness.
Welcome help that serves understanding
A trusted person may help both sides understand what happened. That help should make fair listening easier, rather than gather supporters for one side. Ask whether the person can listen fairly, keep appropriate confidences, and avoid carrying accusations back and forth. A mediator is useful when both people are willing to engage; manipulation through mutual friends adds another layer of hurt.
Pray for opportunities and stay willing to receive them. I remember an unexpected airplane meeting that gave two people room to express regret and begin again. Such an occasion may be received with gratitude without claiming certainty about every detail of God's providence. Scripture gives clear direction for our conduct even when we can't explain how an opportunity arose. A helpful third person won't assume that reconciliation means returning to exactly the old arrangement. Trust may need to be rebuilt through consistent conduct over time. Serious concerns may require qualified assistance or appropriate reporting rather than an informal conversation. The aim is a truthful, responsible relationship, not a quick appearance of harmony that leaves the underlying problem untouched.
Do the part that belongs to you
Romans 12:18 tells us to pursue peace if possible, as far as it depends on us. We can tell the truth, reject revenge, and make a responsible effort. You can't make another person repent, trust you, or resume contact. Respecting that limit is part of pursuing peace rather than controlling an outcome.
Forgiveness doesn't require hiding abuse or entering an unsafe situation. Sometimes the faithful opening is an apology or a conversation held with suitable safeguards. An opening toward peace may remain unused because the other person is unwilling. Keep resentment from becoming your identity, continue doing what is right, and let Christ govern the next step. The faithful question is whether you have offered the peace that lies within your responsibility. Even a disappointing response can clarify how to proceed faithfully. Give the other person time, avoid retaliatory remarks, and seek wise counsel about whether another approach would help. Peace is worth pursuing patiently. Consider what patience will look like after the message is sent. Don't ask mutual friends to measure the person's reaction or use public hints to draw them out. Give them space to think and respond. A peaceful first move is more credible when the days that follow remain free of pressure, gossip, and punishment for a slow answer.
Take the idea with you.
- 01Where might pride be preserving unnecessary distance?
- 02What truthful, responsible first step toward peace could I offer?
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