The Follow-Up Question That Builds Better Conversations
Before you turn a conversation back toward yourself, ask one more question. A sincere follow-up can show someone that what they shared mattered to you.
#115 — The Followup Question
Aug 6, 2020
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The second question may matter more than the first
Think about the last time a friend told you something and you immediately thought of your own story. You ask a friend how the weekend went. “Great,” he says. “We took the family on a trip.” You could respond by telling him about your own vacation, offering a recommendation, or moving to an unrelated subject. None of those responses is necessarily rude. But something different happens when you ask, “What was the best part?” Suddenly the other person has room to tell you what made the trip memorable.
An ordinary opening can become a worthwhile conversation when we ask a thoughtful second question. The first answer may provide information; the second can reveal meaning. When we ask someone to tell us more about something they have already shared, we communicate that their words were worth hearing. The exchange becomes less about taking turns speaking and more about discovering another person's experience.
We have plenty of chances to practice this with the people we already see. We may spend countless minutes exchanging information while rarely giving anyone the attention that develops a relationship. Learning to ask a genuine follow-up question is a small habit with a surprisingly large effect.
Why we rush to talk about ourselves
You probably know how it feels when your story becomes somebody else's opportunity to take over. Sometimes their experience genuinely connects with ours. Often, though, we sense that our contribution has become an opening for them to take the conversation somewhere they already wanted to go. We were heard just long enough to supply a subject.
We can do that to a child or a friend without intending to be unkind. A friend mentions a difficult workday, and we immediately explain the worst day we ever had. A child shares a small success, and we use it to deliver advice about the next task. Someone describes a trip, and we begin describing the trip we would have taken instead. Our experiences may be relevant, but relevance alone doesn't mean they should come first.
Sometimes we're simply excited to make a connection, but we still need to notice the effect. Yet the effect can still be discouraging. If every opening becomes a route back to our own lives, people may gradually stop telling us much. Listening requires restraint, especially when we have something interesting to contribute.
A follow-up question proves that we noticed
Your next question doesn't need to be clever. “How did that happen?” “What did you think when you heard?” “Was that what you expected?” “What happened next?” Each question builds on information the speaker just offered. That is why it feels different from asking something unrelated. You are demonstrating that the previous sentence didn't disappear into the air.
Let the question show you heard, while leaving the person free to decide how much to share. If someone mentions a new job, you could ask what drew them to the opportunity. If a member of the congregation talks about an aging parent, you might ask how the family is managing. If a teenager describes a difficult class, you could ask which part has been most challenging. A person may give a short answer, and that is fine. The question still gives them room.
We're learning to care, not collecting techniques for making people like us. People can sense when questions are rehearsed or manipulative. The power of the habit lies in genuine curiosity. The aim isn't to extract more information than someone wishes to give. It is to treat what they voluntarily share as worthy of our consideration.
Listening reflects a Christian concern for others
James' call to be quick to hear ought to affect more than the way we handle arguments. That instruction reaches beyond arguments. It describes the posture of someone who isn't determined to occupy every available moment with his own voice. Listening can be an expression of humility because it recognizes that another person's thoughts and experiences deserve attention.
Looking to another person's interests can begin with giving that person our attention. We often apply that instruction to acts of service, and rightly so. But attention is also a gift. Taking time to learn what concerns a friend, encourages a child, or burdens a fellow Christian is one ordinary way to consider another person's interests.
We'll find it hard to rejoice or weep with somebody if we haven't listened long enough to know what's happening. We may give congratulations to someone who is afraid, offer advice to someone who needs compassion, or make light of something deeply important. Careful questions help us respond to what is actually taking place in someone else's life.
Move beyond facts toward meaning
Not every conversation has to go deep. Sometimes a brief exchange about a restaurant, a game, or a vacation is enough. But deeper relationships develop when people can share what experiences mean to them, not only what happened. A thoughtful follow-up can create that opportunity without forcing it.
A simple follow-up can make room for what an experience meant to the person. You could simply say you are glad. You might also ask, “Did you get the time together you were hoping for?” That question gives your friend a chance to say something about the relationship. When someone tells you that they finished a difficult project, ask what part gave them the greatest satisfaction. When a child describes an accomplishment, ask what they learned while working toward it.
Keep it an invitation rather than an interview someone has to endure. If someone prefers to stay on the surface, respect that choice. Good conversation isn't measured by how much personal information we can draw out of another person. It is measured in part by whether the person feels safe, respected, and free to speak. The best listeners know when to inquire and when simply to enjoy the moment.
Stop preparing your response while they are speaking
Sometimes our biggest listening problem is the reply we're busy composing. We hear enough to recognize a topic and then shift our attention inward. Perhaps we think of a clever response, a competing example, or a piece of advice. By the time the person finishes, we may have missed the most important part of what they said.
See what happens when you let the other person finish before deciding what you need to say. Pay attention to the words, tone, and questions the other person offers. If you need a moment to think after they finish, take it. Conversation isn't a contest in which the fastest response wins. A small pause can communicate care rather than uncertainty.
Don't assume the first few sentences tell you everything you need to know. That warning is especially relevant when we believe we understand a person's problem after only the first few sentences. We may have encountered something similar, but similarity doesn't erase the details that make this person's circumstances unique. Listening carefully allows our eventual words to be more accurate, gracious, and useful.
Use the habit in difficult conversations too
A question can also help when you hear something you disagree with. They can lower tension when people disagree. Someone makes a statement that troubles you. Instead of responding to the worst interpretation you can imagine, ask, “What do you mean by that?” You may discover that you misunderstood. You may also discover a real disagreement, but now you can address the position the person actually holds.
When a friend is hurting, understanding may need to come before advice. Yet the first need may be an opportunity to explain the hurt. “What happened after that?” or “What part was most difficult for you?” can help the person clarify what they experienced. That understanding may reveal whether practical help, gentle correction, or simple companionship is appropriate.
Listening patiently doesn't mean we never say what needs to be said. There are times to speak plainly. But speaking plainly after listening well is different from delivering a prepared verdict before knowing the situation. The person may still disagree, yet your response can demonstrate that you treated them fairly.
Give someone the gift of attention today
Choose one conversation today where you'll stay with the other person's story a little longer. It may be at dinner, after worship, during a phone call, or in a chance encounter. Ask a normal opening question, and when the person answers, listen for something worth understanding better. Then ask one natural follow-up that grows from what they said.
You don't need an impressive question to offer sincere attention. Your question may be as simple as, “Tell me more about that.” What matters is the sincerity behind it. Let the person finish, respond to what they actually shared, and be willing to remain quiet when listening is the better gift.
Over time, people learn whether what matters to them is welcome in conversation with us. They grow through repeated moments in which people learn that their thoughts, joys, and burdens matter to one another. A follow-up question won't transform every encounter. But it can help transform the way you approach people. Instead of asking, “What can I say next?” begin asking, “What can I understand better?” That is a small change in conversation and a meaningful expression of love.
Take the idea with you.
- 01When do you tend to prepare your own response before someone has finished speaking?
- 02What natural follow-up could help you understand a person you regularly see?
- 03Which distraction could you remove from your next important conversation?
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